Self portrait

Maybe it was the fear of dying young, losing all the possibilities of everything that defines one’s true self; and in the process something had been kept dormant erupted. If it’d caused any hurt or damages, it’s too late to apologize and one does not regret it. Best thing to do is to let it run its course and eventually, one hopes, it will be solidified into dust.

Nothing useful or wise could ever be said about one’s foolishness. Isn’t it enough that there is breath in and out of oneself? Isn’t it enough that one is walking on one’s own free will? Isn’t it suffice to wade through life, hike up one’s skirt or just let it fall and be wet and cold, all the while watching others slip and fall? Honesty makes one vulnerable; but one is not weak.

Why did the Joseph Mallord William Turner's painting can be so bright and warm at first glance; but when you stop and stare, it seems so lonely? How does one live in the house made of dawn but one’s feeling linger in the depth of hell? Why would one weep for others but couldn’t shed tears when the tragedy strikes oneself? Why do one loath one’s own image but is delighted to see the faces of one’s children? How could one pine for something belongs to someone else yet is reluctant to accept the possibility of denial? Why is the wakening happened when one has crossed the threshold of adolescent and youth and why is the longing never ceased?

One contemplates cutting off one chamber of one’s heart because it’s hurting too much and it’s festering with useless yearning. While the throbbing of pain grappled one so fiercely, one looks at it with fascination. Could one ever forget? Is it possible to forgive and ask for forgiveness – and truly be at ease with one’s transgression? Can it be that one has the answer all this time; one just chose to ignore it? One is confusing enough, one does not need two.